Here are some suggestions for remaining hopeful during Couples Therapy:
1. IMAGINE THAT THE RELATIONSHIP CAN BE DIFFERENT
When a relationship has been negatively colored by conflict, distance or betrayal, it can be hard for couples to even envision that it can be different. I will validate that I understand it is hard to even imagine that it could be better, based on their experience, and then guide them toward visualizing improvement. Having a conversation about how they want the marriage to be, if they were to imagine change, is an important first step in reaching goals.
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2. RECOGNIZE THAT NEGATIVE PATTERNS DON’T CHANGE OVERNIGHT
They just don’t, or at least they don’t on a durable basis. Relationship interactions are so rehearsed over a period of months or years that couples will react to one another anticipatorily. I have seen couples escalate over the raise of an eyebrow in their partners. Just like practicing a musical instrument over time generates automatic responses, so do marital interactions. It takes time to generate new patterns, which will often seem awkward and difficult at first.
3. RECOGNIZE AND CELEBRATE SMALL SUCCESSES
Often negative emotion is so absorbing that it can instantaneously wipe out memories of anything positive in the relationship. Similarly, the “dark arts,” of our spouses jump out at us, but intentional seeking can help us see the positive parts. Sometimes if a couple comes in discouraged, I will remind them of a time when I saw them connecting in a positive way, and they realize they had forgotten because they felt so hopeless at the moment.
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4. COMMUNICATE TO YOUR SPOUSE THAT YOU KNOW IT HAS BEEN DIFFICULT, BUT THAT YOU WANT TO CREATE SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH THEM
As couples navigate new effective processes, I will often suggest a way they can slow it down — by narrating out loud, that even if they aren’t sure how they do want something better than what they had before. I’ve had several couples report how useful it was for them to get caught up in a familiar negative pattern, and slow it down by saying, “Let’s try something different.”
5. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR REACTIVITY IS LIKELY RELATED TO THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERS TO YOU
Couples receive very paradoxical messages from each other, and often don’t realize that the reactive behavior they are seeing is a result of how important they are to their partners. Spouses who seem unreachable and emotionally withdrawn often become so because it is so hard to see the disappointment in a partner. Thus, while they look uncaring, the opposite is often true. They disconnect as a way to try to bring the emotional temperature down in order to prevent conflict and potential disruption to the relationship.
Dr. Carolina Castanos is the best therapist in Austin, Texas. Therapy is a journey where you learn more about yourself and how you relate with others.
For your queries call us on (737) 708-6018
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